Taking the Fast Lane - Part One, Chapter One

Part One – Mainly about Nathan

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As Amelia’s legs lolled over the arm of the big, squidgy chair, she flicked idly through the last few pages of HotCeleb magazine.  There was nothing exciting in it’s pages, and quite frankly, even if there were a new story she’d have been there when it originated.

She wound her chewing gum around her finger, her tongue spiraling – a habit she’d picked up when studying for her Fine Art finals – and sucked the gum clean off her finger.  She knew He was watching her.  She made a huge stretching gesture, arching her back like an alley cat, allowing her more than ample bosom to groan against her skinny t-shirt.

“I bet you give great head.” His voice from the other side of the room, growled.

“Depends who it belongs to,” Amelia giggled, “want some?” she smiled as she chewed her gum, wide-mouthed.  He stood up, unzipped His fly and dropped His trousers. Commando again – Amelia thought – how predictable.

She licked her lips whilst assessing His groin and toned thighs – she could see His taught, shapely buttocks in the mirror behind Him, but that was a view she’d seen a thousand times from so many different angles.   As He thrust His hips towards her, she cast her eyes up to His face, ever the sultry seductress.

“I just need to file this ragged nail first.  I’d hate to catch it on your foreskin.”

*

Amelia retched a dry-mouthed gag.  Sitting bolt upright from her bed she rubbed her eyes, her head. “Not again. Fucking hell. Not again.” She sighed and flopped back into her pillows. Squinting at the time reflected on the ceiling – 05:32 – she belched loudly. “Too much wine.  Too much cheese fondue.” 

As soon as her eyes started to slowly close, she felt a vibration. Eyes flicking open again, she caught sight of a light flashing.  She groaned. Her hand reached out to the bedside table and grabbed hold of her mobile phone.  Just as she thought.

In the darkness, the screen flashed urgently, “Nathan Mobile”, as it vibrated in her hand.  She pushed herself up onto her elbow and screwed up her face at the phone, “Oh fuck off, you tit.”  She cleared her throat.

“Hi Nath.  Everything ok?” The sound of coughing at the other end of the phone.  Amelia switched on her bedside light and the light invaded her pupils.

“Shit.” she muttered.

“That’s no way to talk.” grumbled Nathan’s voice on the other end.

Amelia fought with the duvet. “I wasn’t talking to you.” she mumbled.

“Oh, right. Got someone there?” Nathan mused, his tapping finger echoing on the handset.

”What?  No!  Christ, Nathan, it’s 05:35 on Monday morning – what the hell is wrong?” Amelia wasn’t much in the mood for games.

“Well, if you don’t want your job…”

“Oh, don’t fucking start that again…” Amelia snapped. 

Silence from the other end.  She bit her lip.  

“Nathan? Nathan, are you still there?” Amelia sat upright, chewing her at her nail.  She winced from the pain of her reckless language. “Look, I’m really sorry - I didn’t mean to sound…”she blurted.

“Sorry for disturbing you, Amy.” Three beeps as the call ended. 

“Shit. Shit.” Amelia spat as she swung her legs out of bed.  This is all she had needed.  With gliding fingers, she deftly redialled Nathan’s number. Straight to voicemail.

She stood up and started to pace her bedroom.  Redial.  Voicemail. “Oh, pick up, you cock.” she hissed.  Redial.  Voicemail.

As she mimicked her recorded intonation, her very own voice told her that Nathan McInnes was not available to take her call.  Taking a deep breath, she waited for the beep.  “Nathan.  It’s Amelia.  I am really, really sorry for what I just said.  I was half asleep when you called and I didn’t know what I was saying.  Um, please just call me back – ok?  I am really sorry.  It was very rude of me. Ok then.  Bye.”

She threw the phone on her dishevelled bed and thumped her arse down onto the mattress.  “Fuckity fuck fuck.”

As she held her head in her hands, she stared at her designer-strewn floor.  Viv Northwood trousers fought Shannel dresses for floor space next to a pile of Ten For All Womankind jeans.  Three confused pairs of killer-heeled Manobo’s were jumbled in a pile next to a pair of red lace French knickers, also discarded on the floor.  She picked the knickers up between two toes and screwed up her nose as she waved them on her foot.

 “Yak.”

The bed vibrated and Amelia span round.  Snatching up her phone in a sleek manoeuvre, she took a deep breath before answering.

“Hi Nathan. Thanks for calling back. I really am very…” Nathan’s coughing interrupted her flow. 

“I need you to pick me up, Amy. “ his voice gravelly on the other end.

“Now?” her eyes flicking to the clock – 05:45. “Why what’s happened? Where are you? You mean now? Like - this minute?”

“Yes! Now!  Less questions, babe, less questions. Just pick me up at the address I text you – ok? I don’t want to say it on the phone in case I’m being tapped.”

Amelia sniggered. “Oh my.  Nathan, what - or who - have you been up tonight?”

“Just pick me up, alright?  And wear the red knickers I gave you for your last Birthday.”

Amelia looked at the red knickers lying on the floor. She hesitated. “The what?  Why?  They’re in the wash.”

“Well, unless you got very dirty in them today, just put them back on.” Nathan laughed as Amelia gasped. “Don’t worry I wasn’t spying – I could see the line of them when you bent over to pick up my bag earlier.”

Amelia was nauseated by his admission. “Nathan - I’m not one of your little conquests…you’re off your face, aren’t you?”

“See you in ten.”  Three beeps and he was gone.

Amelia stared at her phone.  A text message pinged.  Some random address in St John’s Wood and a statement concerning the knickers.  She shivered with repulsion. She hated it when he was this far-gone.

Scraping her thick brown waves into a ponytail, she then bent to pick up a pair of jeans and a pretty bra.  She stopped and looked at the red knickers, kicked them across the room, then paused.  Stomping back over to the red lacy heap she swooped down and grasped them.

“Tosspot.” she snapped.

Taking the Fast Lane - Excerpt

For the benefit of anyone watching her, she pretended not to notice him and carried on playing with her hair like a demented poodle-owner. Unfortunately, Amelia also managed to bang the elbow belonging to Ms Stellar-Roast next to her, nearly knocking the maxi soya latte clean out of her hand. As Orlando Blum’s Twin looked in their direction, Amelia mumbled her apologies and pulled out a copy of the latest HotCeleb rag. She hunched over to read it and hid her reddening face. Ms Stellar-Roast wrinkled her nose in disgust at HotCeleb’s coverage of Jardin Moist’s new boingy tits and then in a totally authoritative manner, flicked the fold creases out of her peachy Finanical Lies with pseudo importance.

The Tube slipped from track to track, volleying its precious cargo sideways. The whole carriage of passengers seemed to sigh in unison, heads lolling in harmony as their mode of transport squished through the busy Victorian tunnel and stopped with an unceremonious heave. The vibration of the impatient engine shook the commuters out of their discomfort zones and into undisputed frustration, but calmly, Orlando Blum’s Twin gazed on at his own reflected perfection, totally unfazed.

Amelia glanced at her watch – 08:41. Dylan The PR was going to be waiting for Nathan, but as Nathan’s head had only hit the pillow two hours ago with an alcohol induced whack, she was in no doubt as to who would be left to do the small talk for an hour or so. It was just what she needed – an entire conversation about every inch of his latest conquests at C-A-M-P-I-N-K over the weekend. He only turned up once a month but like PMT, she fucking hated Dylan Mondays.

Taking the Fast Lane - Synopsis

Amelia is a Very Efficient Assistant to a Very Famous Person.  She wears Very Expensive Clothes in order to look the part as she digs her Boss out of Very Deep Shit and tidies up the debris, on a weekly basis. 

Having grown and developed their symbiotic careers over the years, they have a Very Close Relationship – although not that close…except in Amelia’s vivid and often uncomfortable slumber existence, inconsiderately ensuring her days start with a large dose of nausea and internal moral struggle.

D-Gen: Two: One Step Back, Two Trips Forward (Part Two)

Looking back, I was pretty cute as a kid, but also extremely devious.  At one point, wishing to be the fastest athlete in the world, I would, every two weeks or so, try and hit a raw nerve with my father.  I would take off in the direction of the garden and he would then chase after me.  This, on my part, was to gauge my running skills and see if I had gained any more speed since the fortnight before.  Warped?  Sick?  No - just perfect common sense to an eight year old.

But how does this all relate to my dilemma?  We all know certain character traits appear during our younger years, but how can a whole generation of people be so similar?  Take our dearest Heather, for example - she went back into her murky kiddie-past to overcome her present problem.  Well, I never did have a problem with Aran wool, but I guessed, at one point, it would not hurt to look back in order to go forward.  So I did.

A trait from my younger era was always being the centre of attention, and therefore, a complete chameleon.  Only child = everyone's friend.  I was neat, tidy and precious with the 'nice' girls; boisterous, noisy and bitchy with the 'bad' girls; tough, athletic and fast with the boys on the rugby and football fields; strong, loud and truthful when standing up for the weak, and Godzilla’s little sister if someone pissed me off.  Hundreds of character traits packed into one body, baffling senior figures all the way.  Nobody could ever pour me into one mould.  It was that rebellious streak, screaming out for individuality, even then.  The streak that called everyone a liar.

"Such a quiet, sensible child...” , as I shrieked with crazed laughter. 

"An uncontrollable chatterbox...", as I leafed through Shakespeare. 

"You'll be married with two kids by the time you're twenty-five...".  Dream on.

On one particular day, during one very grey month that seems not all that long ago, I found myself in a really restless mood accompanied with drumming fingers - the kind of state requiring a complete overhaul of spirit, soul and body.  Without intentionally urging myself towards retail therapy, I took it upon myself to visit my local shopping mall.  Was it a little, black dress calling me?  No.  Was it yet another pair of 'must have' shoes?  No.  A new hairstyle?  No.  Another little something, to clutter up more shelves?  No.  Then I saw the sign - "Bookshop" -  and knew it was the right one.  I bought and read an extremely thought and action-provoking book, 'The Celestine Prophecy'.  I don't know how I managed to travel back home, or indeed anything of two telephone conversations I apparently had later on in the day.  Let's just say, that book did not leave my hands until the last page was turned.  I read it Insight by Insight and thought, "I could really sort out my shit-for-brains head with this book!"

I became the full 'O'; I sorted out the power and energy struggles within my life - those of which were depleting me of my full zing; I looked at the reasons why I had 'chosen' the parents I had ended up with; I puzzled over the valuable lessons I had to learn from them; I felt like a new person for months on end.  Then, months later, suddenly I realized, I wasn't that perfect after all.  I had sorted out my old past problems but was falling back into those energy/power struggles again.  What was a girl to do?

Then, "The Tenth Insight", came into print - but in hardback.  Now, as a matter of principle, I do not buy hardback books.  Yes, they last longer, and you can still decipher the title on the spine after reading them twenty times, but, if like me, you buy ten to fifteen books in one go, trailing upwards of thirty kilos of words around, is not really all that appealing.  Especially when the a carrier bag is, within minutes, destined to join the great recycling unit in the sky. So, my wait began.  I waited and waited for the paperback edition to reach the shops.  Every few weeks or so I would check in with the friendly local bookstore to see if they has a release date and then eventually it was unleashed upon the literary world.  And I had forgotten all about it.

One day in Brighton, beckoned by refuge from the pouring rain, I ended up browsing aimlessly through the shelves of a dusty little booksellers and came upon my long awaited, nearly forgotten, friend in paper back.  Heart momentarily missing a beat, I seized my chance, frantically waved my debit card at a sales assistant, scribbled something that resembled my signature and dashed to a nearby coffee bar.  Double espresso in hand, I started to read.  Imagine my complete relief and happiness to discover the main character from the first book had first of all, made it into the next book, and secondly had found sticking to it all really hard to live with.  I was elated: I had been welcomed back into the human race. 

Sorting out the 'early days' did do me a huge amount of good.  I realised I had never been cut out for a career in athletics, and discontinued my inner fastest-person-in-the-world drive before I overshot the finishing line when I hadn't even started.  I also learnt I could have a pretty good time without depending on other people to be around me.

I suppose I should thank Heather for initialising my journey ‘to go back and file the past’.  I would like to say "Cheers" to her personally, but the last time I heard from her, she was just about to move to Delhi with her new 'life partner', Raj...

D-Gen: Two: One Step Back, Two Trips Forward (Part One)

Let me clear up one point.  I don't really want you to read about all my ins and outs - this is not some kind of attempt at an autobiography.  It is not so much a story of me, but a search for me.  Needless to say, it is certainly not a self-help book.  At the end, you can draw your own conclusions, but you may just find the questions I ask myself also seem to be the queries you make into your own life - there seems to be a definite trend.

I often wonder whether people living in other eras ever questioned why they were here.  Picture the scene: Victorian Papa, immalleable collar, colossal amount of facial hair, pipe in mouth, talking to his humble wife.   He puffs furiously on the mouthpiece, tweaking his perfectly waxed moustache.

"Gertrude, has your mind ever been besieged by the question of your existence?"

Well, unless bound by the study of Theosophy to an upper echelon of Victoria Society - not really, no.

At this point in time, I seem to be questioning my motives in life.  Am I so selfish and ungrounded because I wish to keep my money in the bank, spending it on acquiring things I desire?  Am I terribly naive in thinking careers have ups and downs - and when then downs occur, take some time out to inspire and refresh myself?  Am I so short-sighted because, no matter how hard I try, I cannot envisage myself in the "blissful" state of matrimony or parenthood within the next ten years?  Am I so self-centred to even think all of the above?  I am, of course, aware that many people have thought along these lines in years gone by, but have had to give up their ideals due to convention.  But, pray tell, what the hell is conventional now?  In a world where so many of us move from one short-term contract to the next, take long holidays 'in between' contracts, live for the time we can spend with friends, enjoying nights out and then nights in watching "Friends", I really am beginning to believe there is no real answer. Each to their own.

So, you see, it is not just who I am - it is who are we?  We have all had different upbringings, all over the world.  Poor, rich or just plain comfortable, we have managed to create a whole new era around ourselves, and no matter how hard they try, the slightly 'older' and 'younger' generations cannot quite get to grips with it all.  Anyway, enough of the 'we' thing, you can make up your own mind, Honey.  I am more concerned with how I became like this.

At the beginning of my life, it was pretty messy - as birth usually is.  Actually, Mother was only in labour for all of thirty minutes, by which time I had obviously had enough of all the pushing and squeezing, and most ungraciously entered the world.

My first prominent memory - apart from the vague recognition of my parents - was of peacocks in our back garden, viewed through a brown haze.  Now, as first memories go, it is quite a weird one.  According to most books on symbolism and dream meanings, peacocks mean pride, vanity and a great amount of confidence.  What a great start, eh?  What more could a nine-month old kid want?  But the brown sludgy haze?  Apparently it was the entire contents of a bowl of chocolate pudding that I had deemed good enough to wear.  I still do not know the meaning of wearing chocolate, but at least I had started the way I had meant to go on: aware, accident prone and with a sweet tooth.

Accidents did happen, and they happened a lot when I was around.  Even before I ventured into my schooldays I had managed to christen my first tooth with my lower lip; ‘speed toddle' straight through a plate glass window and out the other side without a scratch; be bitten on the nose by a dog – and then bite it back in return as thanks; and most superbly, crash-land my trusty space-hopper into a friend's pond, stunning their entire collection of prize fish to death.  What a kid.

Once I had started school, I became more aware of the concept of hurt and pain.  Teachers making you stand on a chair in front of the class because you cannot remember the three times table, hurts.  A ruler slammed across your knuckle was a pain.  I learnt, in time, to bury the hurt deep inside, and try my best to hide any physical pain.  But why, at such a young age did I decide to keep it all inside?  It certainly was not anything to do with my parents not accepting my cries or pleas for help, because in a way, I was very different at home.  It was because of stereotypes.  Even at the tender age of five, I was rebelling against 'convention' and 'expectation' - a rebellious streak I can only wonder if I will ever control.

In my younger years, I was what would have been referred to by our Victorian Papa as, a sickly child.  This, I have come to realise, was mainly due to the lack of insight of our family doctor.  During one particular academic year, I had attended school on only fifty-nine occasions, having been off school with throat infections for nearly a whole year.  Normally, common sense would prevail, and one would think: "There must be something wrong with this kid's throat".

Fifteen years later, whilst suffering (and I mean, suffering) from glandular fever and acute tonsillitis, I realised the pain was very familiar.  Then it became apparent: I had managed through six years of ‘on and off' tonsillitis at school, just because our doctor thought removing tonsils was a "fad". A fad?  Right on, Doc!  What a guy.  I would just like to congratulate you on your loose grip on reality that left me feeling like a leper for many years! 

I have always been a thinker, right from day one - you know, one of those deep, intense, 'why' children?  Inquisitive, imaginative and outgoing are all vital qualifications for an only child  and as that singular, I had my own bedroom, my own toys, my own friends (real and imaginary), even my own ghosts, I had all the parental attention I could ever want, and bloody hell, it could get boring!  Is there no surprise in the fact I spent all my time - little miss junior gregarious - surrounded by hoards of pals?  Let's face it, I had all the best toys - not because I was particularly spoilt but because I had no older or younger kin to wreck them.  Any destruction was left to me and me only, and any friend who broke my possessions was sent to Limboland where the Wombles dared not go.  Let's face it, there were two things you did not do:  steal and break others' toys.

D-Gen: One: Old Songs Strike A Chord (Part Two)

Heather wheezed heavily.

"The only thing I ever suffer from now is a teeny-weeny bit of eczema.  If it flares up, I sit back, take a deep breath, meditate and go back to my childhood to overcome the root fear - the hand-knitted, bright yellow Aran coat my grandmother used to make me wear,” Heather smiled at me like I should understand her verbal gibberish.  “I didn't ever like the coat; it made me stand out like a belisha beacon in the playground - especially at a time when everyone else was wearing nice serene blues and greens - so, without knowing it, I developed a huge mental block, which in turn provoked a stress-induced skin reaction.  Once I had realised - with the help of this little book, of course - where it had all stemmed from, I simply concentrated my energy on removing my block against Aran wool!  You see, I'm wearing an Aran wool jumper now! No tingles, no itchy scratches - nothing! Isn't that just totally... " 

"Amazing, Heather."  I really did try my best to sound astounded by the whole sequence of events, but my efforts were obviously way below par.  

Later that day Heather's freaky 'life partner', Michael, `phoned to tell me that due to my uncalled for cynicism, Heather had broken out in really bad eczema, and he was just letting me know in case I wanted to clear my karma.  He had put down the receiver before I managed to tell him she had been the one wearing a bloody stupid Aran jumper and had either of them considered she may just be allergic to it; end of?

Now, as far as I was concerned, I had not lived long enough to be that cynical, but, with this kind of thing happening at least once or twice a week, I began to think is it me or is it them?  Am I being particular hypersensitive, or have all the people I know turned into loonies?  Am I a hard faced cow, or am I so over-emotional I project it onto other people?  Well, since then, nothing has really changed.  I'm not that much older and not much more cynical, either.  So, now, maybe you get where I am coming from? 

"Miracles, I guess, still happen now and then..." states the next few lines of the song.  Well, it would be a miracle to find out some answers to my eternal questions...is it me and who the hell am I anyway? 

I know my own personal history, obviously.  I know where I have been - some of it not very inspirational - and I know where I am at just now.  However, I do not know where I will be in the future.  Nobody knows for sure where they will be, but at least some seem to have a vague idea - career, money, holidays, cars, mortgage, the inevitable two point five screamers - but as for me, I have not a clue.   People are always telling me I'm such a funny person, always cracking jokes and constantly at the centre of everyone's attention span.  I say, the funniest ones are the loneliest.

Yes, I was that kid in your class at school - not the cheeky one, but the funny, quirky one.  The one that everyone said was so silly; the one with all the dumb card tricks, fake blood and plastic spiders; the one that laughed uncontrollably if someone fell over, and then stuck a spare Mr. Men plaster on the cut, and made sure they were better by pulling funny faces; the one that scuffed through the autumn leaves; the one that had millions of pals, but never a true friend; the one who always walked home alone.  

Well, this is it.  This is the real, new beginning of my quest - the quest to find out who I really am, and you're with me all the way, buddy!  That is as long as you do not get bored - but then, no-one thinks my life is boring, do they?

As I stated before, "Welcome to my world..." 

D-Gen: One: Old Songs Strike A Chord (Part One)

"Welcome to my world, won't you come on in?"  Well, if it was good enough for Jim Reeves, then it is good enough for me.   The only problem I have is the fact that my world is so damn boring.                                

At least, I find it boring.  Other people seem to find the contents of my life really amusing, "how could you possibly become bored?”, so, my only assumption can be that they have all lost grasp of their mental faculties, or, indeed never had any to begin with.  On the other hand, maybe I have lost all grips on reality.  This is my dilemma - is it me or them?  And how the hell do I go about finding out? Tough one, that.  I have tried before, but the question I always arrive at - “Who am I?” - just brickwalls me every time.  That has got to be the toughest, most gristly, pondersome question of all time.

Genetically speaking, the answer is pretty obvious.  But taking a more philosophical approach to finding out who or what is 'me', is just like that first overzealous bite into corn-on-the-cob  -  bleeding gums aside, you still have a burnt palate for days, and the one husk cemented between your front teeth is a constant reminder of your foolishness, making you wish you had momentarily been Terry Thomas.  O.K.   Enough of the light-hearted crap, yeah?  Fine by me, mate.  So, back to the irritating little question of who or what am I? 

Quite a few years ago, I did the big 'self-help' book thing. Some of these books were genuinely interesting; made me think "Yes, absolutely!".  Others just took things too far.  Actually, it was not their content, it was the "...hang on whilst I think of an appropriate quote...” followers that made me cringe.  You would know the titles: some smart ass probably gave you one when you were in bed with a cold.  At least, that is what happened to me.

"This cold you are suffering from...", Heather warbled, "... is likely to be a kind of outer manifestation of something far more deeply rooted within you.  Here's a copy of 'Every Single Imaginable Disease & It's Much Deeper Meaning' for you to read.  It's completely changed my life!" 

I desperately tried to seem excited; pinched myself to widen my eyes.  But I just knew the story was about to follow...